Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Hoochie Mama

Let's talk briefly about maternity fashions.

Once upon a time, all maternity fashion involved something mumu-ish...or bows, lots and lots of bows. Not pretty on anyone, especially a pregnant woman. At a time when the majority of us are larger than we've ever been, those clothes were the most unbecoming possible.

Apparently the pendulum has swung in the opposite direction and now, it appears, maternity clothing manufacturers think we all want to be hoochie mamas.

Hoochie Mama as defined by the Urban Dictionary:
1. A female who dresses ghetto ho fabulous. Lots of gold, lots of weave-typically Pattie LaBelle style with red, purple, gold, or orange streaks, and long nails with lots of airbrush glitter, and color. This female's goal in life is to use her female attributes to obtain a male with lots of money or any money to spend on her. Weaves, rent, & diapers for her baby from another daddy included. 2. A ghetto version of a "Gold Digger".
Friday night (payday} at the club: "Ooo, girl the hoochie mamas are out trollin' tonight!"

Seriously - the patterns on today's maternity wear are horrible. Red, purple, gold, AND orange! Together in one shirt!

But the thing that really gets me are the low cut tops. Seriously! I'm not a small waif of a girl - and "the girls", they're not small either. And apparently, they're only going to get bigger. So what's with the low cut tops?!?! I'm not out trollin for a date. I already have one of those. I took him home to Mom and Dad. They liked him. We got married. Now we're having a baby. And the only person that needs to SEE "the girls" is him!

Things are slightly better for the girls that are smaller to begin with. Clothing manufacturers like Ann Taylor, The Gap, even Juicy Couture are offering fairly fashionable maternity lines. But with prices starting at $75.00 for one shirt and an extra large that equates to a size 12, that's not really going to work for me.

So that leaves me to the lower end, more affordable stores like Target, Old Navy, Motherhood Maternity, Sears, and JC Pennies. And let me tell you, the pickins are slim. Add into it that nearly every single shirt I've purchased needs some sort of camisole under it to keep from showing off the girls and it's just not my favorite part of pregnancy.

So...if you see a pregnant hoochie mama walking down the street...don't judge. She might be a really sweet, lovable girl that just can't find a damn thing to wear.


craigandstacy said...

You took the words right outta my mouth! My shirt is currently pinned closed with a safety pin so as to not offend coworkers. Like I need something else to worry about with the belly already drawing so much attention!

Who Needs Patience? said...

Ha Ha!!! you crack me up! I was afraid of this...can't wait to start searching for things to wear!! On top of the $40 dollar hoochie-mama tops you have to buy 10 $30 dollar camis to go underneath! ha ha!!

Anonymous said...

A better-looking hoochie mama could not be seen, I bet.

Haven't read your blog for a long time but visited today and am moved to tears because it is so YOU and I miss you and I'm so happy for you - even if you can't find the perfect wardrobe.

One Wench.

DeborahSW said...

Lol.. I feel your pain girl. And it seems like every preggo shirt sets out to make you look INSANELY pregnant. I was proud of my bump but I didn't need it enhanced 10 fold!! :)