Thursday, April 17, 2008

I'm Twitterpated....

I think I upset my husband tonight. I frequent a local chat board and we often post "signatures" of things that we like - tickers that count down important dates - funny jokes... you get the picture :)

Several of us are huge Law and Order: SVU fans and all agree that Chris Meloni is pretty darn good looking. I had a picture of Mr. Meloni in my signature along with a joke that he's who I counted at night, instead of sheep. I'll admit it, it was a stupid, juvenile joke....but harmless, right?

Until I left my screen up and my husband saw it.

I didn't think that men got terribly jealous. At least not *my* man. I certainly have rarely seen my husband jealous of me. I *know* I'm a jealous woman when it comes to him. I do not like the thought of him thinking of other girls - no matter how unrealistic or Hollywood they are. I don't like to think about his relationship with his ex-wife. I got mad one when a friend sent him pictures of scantily clad women and he kept it.

But my husband? I've rarely seen him get upset about me, jealous of me. So, when he mentioned the picture in my signature and that it upset him, it really took me back a step!

So....I'm sorry sweetie....I truly am. And for all the world to know...

When I go to bed at night when you're at work, this is the face I think about

This is the guy that gets me all twitterpated

This is the one I want to be beside, that makes me laugh, makes me cry, makes me feel safe and loved and more connected than I've ever felt in my life.

Mr. Papagorgio, I know you aren't into the whole blogging thing and think it's kind of silly, but I hope you read this when I leave it up on the computer. Read the inside of your wedding ring and remember who you are to me... are. No, YOU are.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

I'm Awed

Today I was looking at my younger sister's blog. She's had a very challenging road to becoming a mother. There was one particular picture in which I was awestruck at the beautiful woman she's become. It's strange when our siblings become adults in the blink of an eye. It's not that they weren't adults before - or that you didn't recognize them as such - it's just that one single moment can change the way you acknowlege it.
I've never seen her look so beautiful or so in love. It brings tears to my eyes (in a good way, for a change).

I blatantly stole this picture from her blog...but since she put it there, I figured that was okay....

Monday, April 14, 2008

I'm late...

As of late, the words "You're Late!" seem to be chiming in my head... Other women hear "tick tock", I hear the soft words whispered on a breeze that tickles my ears...

You're late, You're late....

It's like the melodic tinkle of an ice cream truck from our youths....heard softly and faintly over the warm summer breeze. Did I hear it? Ahhh, yes....there it is.

Only this breeze blows cold on my heart....

You're late, You're late...

Growing up, I always felt like I had just missed all of the fun and excitement - when I taught over seas, there was much money to be made, until I got there and the economy crashed. While my friends were busy having families and getting careers, I was off in never never land. And haunts me. Am I late again?

Most of the time, in the last few days, I carry about my day and can almost forget everything I've been through. Then, some little reminder pops up and I hear the voice...

You're late

....and usually that little reminder makes me cry.

This weekend I was at a baby shower of a dear, dear friend. As I was driving there, I thought:

I will not cry, I will not cry, this day is not about me, I will not cry!

I was really doing pretty good until my friend, whose poor ankles are swollen to the popping point, was getting an ankle rub from her Mother in Law (who is like my second mother). Mother in Law reached over and took my hand and said, "Soon enough it will be your ankles I'm rubbing".

And I started crying...selfishly, all I could think about is that I was late...late to the party again. I sometimes think that when I get to a room, I should just announce "Ladies and Gentlemen, without intending too, someone is going to make me sad. And without wanting to, I'll start crying. Don't mind the crying girl in the corner, just carry on with your activities, she'll get it under control shortly!"

Will I cry like this if I get pregnant again? Will I forget? Sometimes I hope I do.

However, not all is doom in gloom in the House of Heather. This weekend my husband and I were able to complete our first home improvement project without fighting! We've painted our small office a wonderful cheery yellow. I'm so excited to get our new desk set up and all of the furniture back in and in place. I'll post pictures when it's done. It seems we've finally figured out how to work together - and it was actually fun. When we went to bed, I was overwhelmed with how much I love him, how incomplete my life would be without him. And then I think....had I not been late, I would not have him.

Maybe it's not so bad to be late.....

I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date! ~ The White Rabbit. Alice in Wonderland
A day late and a dollar short ~ Unknown

Enjoy yourself, it's later than you think ~ Chinese Proverb

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Emotional Rollercoasters

Two little words my life is about today? Emotional rollercoasters! Sometimes I wonder if I'm not completely loony. One minute, I'm high as a kite - loving life - feeling completely relaxed and at peace.

Can't you see it now? The car is chugging up the tracks of that double loop....
chugaluga chugaluga

Hey..this is nice! I can see for miles and miles....what a pretty view!
The carnie's music is heard faintly in the distance....."I can see clearly now, the rain is gone..."

I'm not scared, I'm having a great is sweet!
clickclack clickclack clickclack

The bottom drops out, but I can't scream....

Today, I came to work and I was on my game! I looked good, I curled my hair, I even wore MAKEUP! I felt like Jim and I were making excellent process on getting the house cleaned up - I spent the entire evening cleaning the carpet of the office we're sprucing up. Life is good! I'll certainly start a new cycle tomorrow and we're off to the baby making races! Yeah!

Then, a friend gives me a CD to burn. And I'm never one to pass up free music, so I burn it to my ipod. She tells me to listen to a certain song - that it reminds her of me and how I must feel.

Danger, Will Robbins, Danger....Abort....Abort.....

Let me just cut and paste the lyrics for you....I italicized the lines she said reminded her of my situation.

Where Angels Hang Around(James Otto / Monty Criswell)
A hundred miles out of Little Rock
Windshield full of rain
I-40 eastbound drivin’ while I pray
She’s asleep in the backseat
Holdin’ tight to her teddy bear
She’s got her daddy’s smile and her momma’s hair
But one word knocked our lives off track
Just one word keeps us comin’ back

Across the Mississippi
A mile or two from Beale Street
Not too far from Graceland
Where the king of rock and roll sleeps
To a place for children
Where God sends his mercy rainin’ down
In the heart of Memphis
Where angels hang around

All the deals I’ve made with God
The conversations that we’ve had
Tryin’ to accept things I could not understand
I wanna walk her down the aisle
While those church bells ring
See her get the chance
To live all her dreams
But one word knocked our lives off track
Just one word keeps us comin’ back
Repeat Chorus
So sleep tight baby while these four wheels roll
‘Cause just beyond the clouds there’s a ray of hope
There’s a place for children
Where God sends his mercy rainin’ down
In the heart of Memphis
Where angels hang around

This is a dear woman - who is really trying to connect with what I'm feeling. Be there for me, right? And I love that about her,I appreciate that about her. And the good Lord knows I'm really open about all of this. So, I guess in a way I bring it on myself. But I'm to the point where I'll talk about it in a clinical sense, I'll tell stories about the experiences I have, I'll talk about the emotions I have and how I'm feeling anxious, but I need the people around me to be positive. Not remind me what a sorrowful experience it was.

So here I am at work, fighting off the tears, wondering WHEN people will stop making me feel bad. It's okay, we can talk about it - but did you really have to tell me this? Point this out? Are you kidding me?

Did I make deals with God? You bet your sweet bippy I did. Did I want to meet my baby and give her the chance to live a whole life? I wanted to give her the world! But I can't and that's that.

So, now it's time to look least for today.
Windblown hair, sunburned cheeks, they pull into the station, ready for another chance at the ride.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Two Little Words...

There are so many combinations of two words that can change your life....

I do

I'm pregnant

I'm sorry

There are countless more - but those are the three that come to my mind, that have affected my life so deeply. They've brought so much joy, but not without pain.

I am certainly not one who has difficulty expressing her emotions. I'm sure the ones who love me can attest. But maybe I'm so busy expressing them and then moving on, that I don't pay attention to where I've come from or where I'm going. Maybe this little blog will help me do own online journal for all the world to see. Not that this would be unique for me....

And maybe, I just need another way to ease my give voice to the fact that I am here, I am happy, but I am hurt too....and some days I don't know which way to be.

We'll just have to see.

"to give vent now and then to his feelings, whether of pleasure or discontent, is a great ease to a man's heart". ~Francesco Guicciardini