Thursday, April 10, 2008

Emotional Rollercoasters

Two little words my life is about today? Emotional rollercoasters! Sometimes I wonder if I'm not completely loony. One minute, I'm high as a kite - loving life - feeling completely relaxed and at peace.

Can't you see it now? The car is chugging up the tracks of that double loop....
chugaluga chugaluga

Hey..this is nice! I can see for miles and miles....what a pretty view!
The carnie's music is heard faintly in the distance....."I can see clearly now, the rain is gone..."

I'm not scared, I'm having a great is sweet!
clickclack clickclack clickclack

The bottom drops out, but I can't scream....

Today, I came to work and I was on my game! I looked good, I curled my hair, I even wore MAKEUP! I felt like Jim and I were making excellent process on getting the house cleaned up - I spent the entire evening cleaning the carpet of the office we're sprucing up. Life is good! I'll certainly start a new cycle tomorrow and we're off to the baby making races! Yeah!

Then, a friend gives me a CD to burn. And I'm never one to pass up free music, so I burn it to my ipod. She tells me to listen to a certain song - that it reminds her of me and how I must feel.

Danger, Will Robbins, Danger....Abort....Abort.....

Let me just cut and paste the lyrics for you....I italicized the lines she said reminded her of my situation.

Where Angels Hang Around(James Otto / Monty Criswell)
A hundred miles out of Little Rock
Windshield full of rain
I-40 eastbound drivin’ while I pray
She’s asleep in the backseat
Holdin’ tight to her teddy bear
She’s got her daddy’s smile and her momma’s hair
But one word knocked our lives off track
Just one word keeps us comin’ back

Across the Mississippi
A mile or two from Beale Street
Not too far from Graceland
Where the king of rock and roll sleeps
To a place for children
Where God sends his mercy rainin’ down
In the heart of Memphis
Where angels hang around

All the deals I’ve made with God
The conversations that we’ve had
Tryin’ to accept things I could not understand
I wanna walk her down the aisle
While those church bells ring
See her get the chance
To live all her dreams
But one word knocked our lives off track
Just one word keeps us comin’ back
Repeat Chorus
So sleep tight baby while these four wheels roll
‘Cause just beyond the clouds there’s a ray of hope
There’s a place for children
Where God sends his mercy rainin’ down
In the heart of Memphis
Where angels hang around

This is a dear woman - who is really trying to connect with what I'm feeling. Be there for me, right? And I love that about her,I appreciate that about her. And the good Lord knows I'm really open about all of this. So, I guess in a way I bring it on myself. But I'm to the point where I'll talk about it in a clinical sense, I'll tell stories about the experiences I have, I'll talk about the emotions I have and how I'm feeling anxious, but I need the people around me to be positive. Not remind me what a sorrowful experience it was.

So here I am at work, fighting off the tears, wondering WHEN people will stop making me feel bad. It's okay, we can talk about it - but did you really have to tell me this? Point this out? Are you kidding me?

Did I make deals with God? You bet your sweet bippy I did. Did I want to meet my baby and give her the chance to live a whole life? I wanted to give her the world! But I can't and that's that.

So, now it's time to look least for today.
Windblown hair, sunburned cheeks, they pull into the station, ready for another chance at the ride.


Brycezilla said...

Being vulnerable is very hard to do. Being able to cry is one of woman's greatest gifts (in my opinion). I hold so much in and then when I have had my fill.....boom, waterworks. It's hard to always put others in front of yourself. I think in time, the pain will heal. You are a strong, beautiful woman who has dealt with the worst thing one should ever have to lose a child. I'm sorry that you experienced it. I have walked in your shoes and with time, things will get better. The pain never goes away.