Thursday, December 4, 2008

Frustrated Spirit

Have you ever really wanted to succeed at something you were asked to do? It's something that's a huge opportunity for you and you want to do well. You want to prove that you're capable of more than you've been asked to do before.

But for reasons that have nothing to do with you, you aren't getting anywhere. There are outside influences that control the amount of time you have to devote to what you're doing. There are others who do not have time to help you achieve your goal...and you need the input and assistance of those others in order to be successful. There are some who didn't see the importance of what you were trying to accomplish. You've been saying all along this was important - but you couldn't get anyone else to see the urgency or the importance until too late. And so it's hurry up and wait, hurry up and wait.

And you start to get frustrated. You start to feel useless and ineffectual. You start to wonder what you're doing and why you care so very much...but you do, because that's your nature. You want to be successful, both in your own endeavors and in assisting people make something a reality, help build something of value. That is part of what defines you - being a part of helping build things of value.

And all the while you have this huge event in your life that's putting a very real time line on things - the birth of your daughter. It's given you a deadline that won't change. It's like a big brick wall that's going to stop all of your other efforts you've been working so very hard toward. You didn't mean it to be that way. You don't want to be one of those women who uses being a mother as an excuse to be less effective in other spheres of your life. But its there - and it's happening - and it scares you that somehow if you fail in this endeavor it will be your last chance to be a useful and trustworthy member of anything other than the Mommy sphere. And that's not what you want.

You realize that being a Mother is the most important thing you'll ever do, every kick she gives you reminds you of the amazing change you're about to go through and that now someone will rely on you for safety, for security, for love, warmth, for her very existence.
You also know that you have worked hard to get where you are - and you don't want that to be over.
You want to continue to be an equal contributor to the bottom line for your family.
You feel protective of the family you and your husband are building and you want to protect their financial future.
You're scared of the economy and what not being successful might mean.

And you just don't know what to do about feel so lost and for the first time you understand what other women talk about when they talk about the fear of being a mother, not just the excitement.

The fear of what that means for the financial security of your life.
The fear of not being everything you know you can be.

And it's frustrating.
And scary.
And so very where I'm at right this very moment.


noisy penguin said...

Oh sweety, I'm sorry you've hit this patch. Without knowing whether something specific is going on, I think I've been there too. Issues with work popped up that I never even dreamed of. At times I want to walk away and never come back. But after little Maddy comes, the moments of joy will outweigh the moments of panic. There will be rough times, and difficult decisions, and second guessing those decisions, and wrong decisions. But you're going to do the best you can for your family and for yourself. I may not know you very well, but I can tell that that's just who you are. Hang in there.

Martha J. Hutchinson said...

I know how it feels to want to succeed at something but be frustrated at every turn. Hang in there! And don't worry, you are going to be a wonderful mom.