Worry Wart

I come by my excessive worrying very, very naturally. My dad is a self admitted worry wart. He can worry with the best of them. He came by it naturally too - his dad was a champion worrier. Whether I had a great grandparent that taught my Grandpa to worry, I don't know...but I'd have to guess it's a learned trait - so the answer to that is probably yes. I've got a worry on my heart and I just can't stop thinking about it - so I thought I'd throw it out there for good energy or prayer, whatever your fancy. I know it's silly to worry about something when you don't have any answers, I know I just need to give it up to God and let go. But I worry - it's who I am...and I don't know how to do anything else right now.

Madelyn still has that green poo going on. Yeah, I'm worrying about green poo. Welcome to motherhood. Other than that, she seems much better. However...she's still got that green poo going on and that isn't normal. When we were at the doctor last week, she mentioned The possibility that this was the sign of an allergy to milk protein, which she's getting through my breast milk.

So, don't you know I googled that to read all about it. And aside from the green poo, she isn't exhibiting a ton of the symptoms. She isn't throwing up as much, she's not seeming as gassy, she's growing, thriving, no eczema that I can tell. She does get fussy in the evening, but most babies do - that's very, very normal from what I can tell.

But that darn green poo - the only thing I can find on the Internet that this indicates is an allergy to milk protein. And the way to handle that? Either she goes on a very special formula or I go on a completely dairy free diet. Either solution does not really sit well with me. I hate pumping - Lord knows I do...but I do it because I know breast milk is best. But to go on a completely dairy free diet? Geeeeez...could breastfeeding get any more difficult for us? Not only to have to exclusively pump, which is no walk in the park....it's hard work....but to have to completely change the diet of the household? Common!!! Someone out there give me a break already! Pretty much every casserole (of which there are many left) in my freezer has dairy in it. Nearly everything we eat has some degree of dairy in it. I'd have to relearn how to cook, practically - new recipes, new thought patterns. And honestly, that might be more than I can take. And dang it, I worked *hard* to get the freezer stash of milk I've got for her. I've got almost 200 ounces frozen, waiting for when I go back to work. Any mommy who's pumped knows that's a lot of milk. That's 7 full days of food for her. To throw it out? That's like pumping my blood and then washing it down the drain. It makes me want to cry to think about it!

However, the Mommy Guilt is STRONG if we just put her on formula. Part of me feels like I've tried hard enough to breast feed her and it's okay if I put her on formula...but part of me would feel reeeeeeeeeally guilty. Like I was taking the easy way out. Not to mention that kind of formula is massively expensive and there aren't tons of coupons going around for it. It sure would be easier to just feed her formula - no more pumping...but the guilt...the major guilt. The pro breast feeding movement has done a *really* good job of drilling it into our heads that breast is best and making us mommies feel uber, UBER guilty if we don't. Am I a total sellout if I decide that non dairy is too much for me? Am I being selfish? ***sigh***

And here's where my real worrying comes in....what if she doesn't outgrow it? I've had family members (well, only one that I know of) have a milk allergy. His was pretty severe and wasn't fun for he or his parents to deal with. I don't want my little girl to have to deal with that. I just want her to be able to be worry free and not be concerned that something someone feeds her is going to be harmful to her.

Her two month (two month!!!) check up is on Monday and her doctor will follow up on our visit last week - so I should know more about what we might have to do then. Jim is able to go with me, I'm happy to say. It's always so much easier when we're both at the doctor's together. He thinks of questions I don't think of and it's good when we hear things at the same time instead of them being filtered through my brain.

If you have a little bit of spare positive energy, send it my way. If you are a pray'er, please pray. I realize that in the big picture of things, this is a very small issue. There are lots of people that have way more to worry about than I do. That doesn't mean this is fun, though and I'd really like for this green poo to just be a bug she hasn't gotten rid of and not a sign of gastrointestinal distress of the allergic kind.....