I Agree (or do I?)

I don't know if it's blogger netiquette to do this, so I want to say that I did not write what is below, it is a direct link from a Blog I read fairly often. This was today's post - and it spoke to my heart so clearly - I wanted to spread the word....but then I got to thinking....

How does this affect the Pro Choice movement? It would certainly provide a lot of ground for Right to Life attorneys. It takes us down a slippery slope of defining what is a life, unborn, and what is not. Some of my dear friends and readers would say, "GOOD! We need to go down that road!" But some of my dear friends and readers would not.

Have I changed my opionion on this issue? I've always been such a staunch supporter of the Pro Choice movement. I never wanted to force others to choose based on my own personal beliefs. I don't want to go back to back alley coat hanger abortions. No matter how much education we get out there about options, no matter what is said or done, women who are desperate are going to resort to that should abortion be criminalized again. I don't want to see that happen.

But, make no mistake about it, when I miscarried, I lost my baby. I lost somthing that had a beating heart and was alive, albeit inside me, but that baby was alive. At least, that's what my heart believes. And I can tell you, I never in a million years thought I would know that feeling. But I do, and I can't take it back.

So where do we go with something like this? How do we recognize such loss as being legitimate, which is what I think most people are after? I don't think I have all of the answers - but I do know that I wish I had something - anything - that said, "yes...this baby was yours and it was here, and now it's gone - and you have ever right to grieve."


No flames please, I know this is a controversial topic....I offer it up for your consideration and thought, not for your anger if you don't agree.

You can read the Blog at: http://www.lilsugar.com/ (http://www.lilsugar.com/1715258 for the exact blog post).

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There's nothing harder than losing a child. But, what about the devastation parents endure when their baby dies in utero? When I came across a post on Jezebel about the politics behind getting grieving parents stillborn birth certificates, I was aghast that just 23 states offer the families more than a death certificate.
A recent report in the New York Post, talked about the current bill that advocates hope will pass in the Big Apple. Outside of City Hall, one New Yorker shared his story. He said:
"The first time I held my son, Daniel, was the single saddest moment of my life," said Staten Islander Jeff Tieger, whose first child was stillborn on Feb. 8, 2007. ". . . Not another minute should go by before [this bill] is passed."
His raw words reminded me of a heart wrenching piece that former San Francisco Chronicle reporter, Suzanne Pullen wrote about the experience of delivering her first child who had passed away. She said:
You don't plan for the doctor to tell you your future has no heartbeat. You don't plan to deliver a baby who will never open his eyes. You don't plan on coming home with an urn of ashes instead of a bag of diapers. Before my son died, I had every hope -- and worry -- of being a good mother.
It's these emotions that make one wonder why national legislation has not been passed.

I'm Older

This weekend I hit another "bench mark" birthday. The big mid-decade of my thirties.

How the hell did this happen to me?!?! How is it that the calendar is telling me I'm now in a different age bracket but my brain still feels 16? It just doesn't seem right to me. None of this is to say that I think that 35 is *old*. It's just that I shouldn't be 35!

Usually, I'm a huge birthday fan. I've been known to call May my Birthday Month...in which I celebrate every day of the month. I just don't really feel that way anymore. Make no mistake about it, I love it when people remember me....it's just that lately I feel like I don't want to know WHY they're remembering me. Couldn't we change it from my birthday to national "Heather Day" and call it good? No mention of the birthday one little bit!

I guess I'm feeling a wee bit melancholy - I sat down last night to write some things down on the calendar. I hadn't turned it past May for some time, it would seem, and when I did, I saw that I hadn't erased all of the "pregnancy" dates I had on the calendar. Classes, week counts, party dates...and while life is pretty good right now, it still made me sad. An elephant (or a Heather, in this case) never forgets.

Shiny Days

The sun in shining in Seattle...and that makes for a beautiful day. You'll never be able to take the Idaho from my heart and soul - I'll love my home state until I die....but nothing in Boise compares to my new home on a beautiful sunny day. The green, the warmth, the water, the mountains...it just fills me up with such a sense of well being.

It's weird...sunny days here almost make me giddy. I want to strip off everything but the bare essentials and go running through the grass, dip my toes in the water, laze and lounge in the sun like a cat whose found the best spot for warm sunny rays. I sometimes wonder if I wasn't a cat in a former life....I so love to laze away my days in sleepy, sunny splendor.

I'm very much looking forward to this weekend - I'm spending a bit of time with some friends and I'm hoping to get a wee bit of gardening in the mix. But truly, the part that just fills me with glee is that it's going to be sunny. Beautiful, beautiful sunshine.

I have a particular uncle who is weaved so thoroughly though the memories of my childhood, he's inseparably, really. He is my mother's youngest brother and was always the uncle most involved in our day to day lives. This is not to say our other uncles were any less loved, they just had familes of their own. But this uncle was late to having children of his own and thus adopted us as his own. I've been thinking so much about him. He is so like the men in my family, fairly unemotional, fairly strong in his convictions of what is right and what is wrong, opinionated, strong willed....all descriptions that could be used to describe me. He had called me about three weeks after I miscarried and left such a sweet and funny message. I played that message over and over again. It was so good to hear him say he loved me. I hadn't heard him say that for several years. Not that he didn't feel it, he just didn't say it. I can't put my finger on it exactly...but it seemed that as I aged, we softly grew apart - were not as close as we once had been. That is natural, I am sure...this soft distancing. I grew up, took on a life of my own. He married a wonderful woman and had two beautiful children, whom I adore, and we got busy. Add into it we live states away and it's natural, no doubt. But a big part of my heart misses him very much. The little girl part that desperately wants the approval of the men in her life. I feel that way about all of my family. I wish somehow we could take ourselves back to the small town we came from - eat in the same restaurants, talk over the fence post, go to church together on Sunday, all one big happy family. That's idealized, I know....but it doesn't mean I don't want it.

So here I am, so many months later and I haven't called. At the time, I was still not in a place where I could talk to people. Writing about it on the internet is one thing; posting on a board, emailing, chatting via IM...all of that I could do very easily. But talk to someone face to face or voice to voice? That I just couldn't do. My parents can attest, I still cry very easily. And the first time I talk to someone I haven't talked to since Christmas, I'm a basket case, even still. So time has passed and each weekend I think - this weekend I need to call my uncle. But I chicken out and don't do it.

How do you breach that? What do you say when you call? Hello? I was an emotional basketcase, I'm sorry I didn't call? Hi, I love you, I really do - and because I love you so much, I can talk to complete strangers, I can go grocery shopping, I can do this and do that, but I can't talk to you? No matter how I practice the conversation in my brain, it just leaves me feeling like I'm a complete and total idiot, and a bad niece to boot.

I want to call....I need to call....it weighs on me, the distance and the guilt.

Maybe this weekend when I'm planting some flowers I'll pick up the phone. But I think about when I should...what time would be the best....how to fit it in with this responsibility and that...and I chicken out - again.

Ahhhh....procrastination and lack of gracefulness at it's worst. These are the times when I am embarrassed by my own emotions.

"Live in the sunshine, swim in the sea, drink the wild air..."
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I'm late...

As of late, the words "You're Late!" seem to be chiming in my head... Other women hear "tick tock", I hear the soft words whispered on a breeze that tickles my ears...

You're late, You're late....

It's like the melodic tinkle of an ice cream truck from our youths....heard softly and faintly over the warm summer breeze. Did I hear it? Ahhh, yes....there it is.

Only this breeze blows cold on my heart....

You're late, You're late...

Growing up, I always felt like I had just missed all of the fun and excitement - when I taught over seas, there was much money to be made, until I got there and the economy crashed. While my friends were busy having families and getting careers, I was off in never never land. And now...it haunts me. Am I late again?

Most of the time, in the last few days, I carry about my day and can almost forget everything I've been through. Then, some little reminder pops up and I hear the voice...

You're late

....and usually that little reminder makes me cry.

This weekend I was at a baby shower of a dear, dear friend. As I was driving there, I thought:

I will not cry, I will not cry, this day is not about me, I will not cry!

I was really doing pretty good until my friend, whose poor ankles are swollen to the popping point, was getting an ankle rub from her Mother in Law (who is like my second mother). Mother in Law reached over and took my hand and said, "Soon enough it will be your ankles I'm rubbing".

And I started crying...selfishly, all I could think about is that I was late...late to the party again. I sometimes think that when I get to a room, I should just announce "Ladies and Gentlemen, without intending too, someone is going to make me sad. And without wanting to, I'll start crying. Don't mind the crying girl in the corner, just carry on with your activities, she'll get it under control shortly!"

Will I cry like this if I get pregnant again? Will I forget? Sometimes I hope I do.

However, not all is doom in gloom in the House of Heather. This weekend my husband and I were able to complete our first home improvement project without fighting! We've painted our small office a wonderful cheery yellow. I'm so excited to get our new desk set up and all of the furniture back in and in place. I'll post pictures when it's done. It seems we've finally figured out how to work together - and it was actually fun. When we went to bed, I was overwhelmed with how much I love him, how incomplete my life would be without him. And then I think....had I not been late, I would not have him.

Maybe it's not so bad to be late.....

I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date! ~ The White Rabbit. Alice in Wonderland
A day late and a dollar short ~ Unknown
Enjoy yourself, it's later than you think ~ Chinese Proverb

Emotional Rollercoasters

Two little words my life is about today? Emotional rollercoasters! Sometimes I wonder if I'm not completely loony. One minute, I'm high as a kite - loving life - feeling completely relaxed and at peace.

Can't you see it now? The car is chugging up the tracks of that double loop....
chugaluga chugaluga

Hey..this is nice! I can see for miles and miles....what a pretty view!
The carnie's music is heard faintly in the distance....."I can see clearly now, the rain is gone..."

I'm not scared, I'm having a great time....life is sweet!
clickclack clickclack clickclack

SWHOOOOSH!
The bottom drops out, but I can't scream....

Today, I came to work and I was on my game! I looked good, I curled my hair, I even wore MAKEUP! I felt like Jim and I were making excellent process on getting the house cleaned up - I spent the entire evening cleaning the carpet of the office we're sprucing up. Life is good! I'll certainly start a new cycle tomorrow and we're off to the baby making races! Yeah!

Then, a friend gives me a CD to burn. And I'm never one to pass up free music, so I burn it to my ipod. She tells me to listen to a certain song - that it reminds her of me and how I must feel.

Danger, Will Robbins, Danger....Abort....Abort.....

Let me just cut and paste the lyrics for you....I italicized the lines she said reminded her of my situation.

Where Angels Hang Around(James Otto / Monty Criswell)
A hundred miles out of Little Rock

Windshield full of rain

I-40 eastbound drivin’ while I pray

She’s asleep in the backseat

Holdin’ tight to her teddy bear

She’s got her daddy’s smile and her momma’s hair

But one word knocked our lives off track

Just one word keeps us comin’ back

Chorus

Across the Mississippi

A mile or two from Beale Street

Not too far from Graceland

Where the king of rock and roll sleeps

To a place for children

Where God sends his mercy rainin’ down

In the heart of Memphis

Where angels hang around

All the deals I’ve made with God

The conversations that we’ve had

Tryin’ to accept things I could not understand

I wanna walk her down the aisle

While those church bells ring

See her get the chance

To live all her dreams

But one word knocked our lives off track

Just one word keeps us comin’ back

Repeat Chorus
So sleep tight baby while these four wheels roll

‘Cause just beyond the clouds there’s a ray of hope
There’s a place for children

Where God sends his mercy rainin’ down

In the heart of Memphis

Where angels hang around

This is a dear woman - who is really trying to connect with what I'm feeling. Be there for me, right? And I love that about her,I appreciate that about her. And the good Lord knows I'm really open about all of this. So, I guess in a way I bring it on myself. But I'm to the point where I'll talk about it in a clinical sense, I'll tell stories about the experiences I have, I'll talk about the emotions I have and how I'm feeling anxious, but I need the people around me to be positive. Not remind me what a sorrowful experience it was.

So here I am at work, fighting off the tears, wondering WHEN people will stop making me feel bad. It's okay, we can talk about it - but did you really have to tell me this? Point this out? Are you kidding me?

Did I make deals with God? You bet your sweet bippy I did. Did I want to meet my baby and give her the chance to live a whole life? I wanted to give her the world! But I can't and that's that.

So, now it's time to look ahead...at least for today.
Windblown hair, sunburned cheeks, they pull into the station, ready for another chance at the ride.

Two Little Words...

There are so many combinations of two words that can change your life....

I do

I'm pregnant

I'm sorry

There are countless more - but those are the three that come to my mind, that have affected my life so deeply. They've brought so much joy, but not without pain.

I am certainly not one who has difficulty expressing her emotions. I'm sure the ones who love me can attest. But maybe I'm so busy expressing them and then moving on, that I don't pay attention to where I've come from or where I'm going. Maybe this little blog will help me do that....my own online journal for all the world to see. Not that this would be unique for me....

And maybe, I just need another way to ease my heart...to give voice to the fact that I am here, I am happy, but I am hurt too....and some days I don't know which way to be.

We'll just have to see.

"to give vent now and then to his feelings, whether of pleasure or discontent, is a great ease to a man's heart". ~Francesco Guicciardini