167 Beats

That's how many beats per minute my baby's heart is beating.

That's right, I'm pregnant. There are those two little words again. And another two little words: 167 beats. Or two more: I'm thrilled. I'm blessed. I'm terrified. I'm enthralled. I'm nauseated. I'm exhausted. It's real. Those are all two little words I'm feeling every day.

Most of my dear readers were already aware we were expecting....I didn't want any of our family and friends to find out via a blog. There are a few people I haven't had the chance to tell...so if this is the first you're hearing - I'm sorry you're hearing it via my blog and not via my lips.

We found out we were expecting shortly before my birthday. My husband has a way of giving me really amazing presents this year. A baby for Christmas. A baby for my birthday. He's getting good at that whole present thing. ;)

And when I found out, I wanted to shout it from the rooftops - but I also wanted to ignore it. It was scary to me. I was afraid to jinx myself by getting too excited. I still feel that way just a bit. Afraid that if I celebrate too much, somehow fate will step in. It's not right, I know...but it's how I feel many days.

It wasn't helped by the fact that I started bleeding again in my sixth week. The same week I miscarried last time, only this time I knew that bleeding and cramps aren't always "normal" and sometimes they have a very negative outcome. And, I was in Dallas to boot - the same place I was when I miscarried last time - only last time I had the luxury of not knowing what was happening. This time I did. And I was terrified. Far from home, far from my own OB, far from my husband, and feeling so very, very alone.

I got back very late in the evening from my trip - and the very next day my OB had me in to her office. And there it was...the heartbeat. It was awe inspiring. And terrifying. And exciting. And so very real - something that could be a very real loss as well. My doctor put me on modified bed rest, progesterone pills, and told me to lay low for the next six weeks.

So, lay low I have. We were slow to tell people. We had to tell our families at that six week mark - if I suddenly bowed out of trips that had been planned, annual events that I never miss, week night get togethers, things weren't going to make sense to them. I was nervous to tell our family. Not that I didn't want them to know - but that untelling part - that part really sucks and quite frankly, I wasn't sure I wanted to go through that again. It sounds so morbid - as if I'm thinking negatively out of the gate. But honestly, once you have something like this happen to you, it never leaves the back of your mind. You can tell yourself over and over again that everything will be okay - but in the back of your mind, you realize there's the very real possibility that it won't be okay. And that makes you cautious. Makes you want to be very careful of tempting fate.

At eight weeks, my doctor had me back for a second ultrasound - and there was baby, swimming away...looking like a little tad pole. But I could see the flicker on the screen and hear the heartbeat and it was sweet music to my ears.

At that point, we started loosening up with the news. My immediate supervisor and his immediate supervisor at work knew - I had to tell them as I was grounded from flying until I was into my second trimester. And...I knew there would be days I'd need to work from home and I have to thank them again and again. They have been extremely gracious and understanding - allowing me to work from home when I need to - which in turn allows me to adjust my hours so that I'm getting a wee bit more sleep and still get everything done at work and stay on top of my game.

Today was my last ultrasound until our second trimester (around 18 weeks). It was part of the genetic testing that my husband and I have elected to do. Once I reached that "magic" old pregnant lady age, the genetic testing becomes more routine. Of all the things I'm worried about with this pregnancy, it isn't a birth defect. My husband, however, deals better in black and white - and he'd like to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there are no genetic issues. So, to ease his mind, we're going through all of the testing, including, most likely, an amniocentesis.

Today was pretty magical. My husband wasn't able to get the day off at the last minute (this appointment was made late in the day last Friday), so my best friend went with me. Instead of a quick peak with my OB, I had an hour long session with a sonographer. For the first part, baby was asleep and while she got great shots, she wasn't so sure baby was big enough for the testing measurements. So, she had me empty my bladder (these tests are done with a full bladder - and when I say full, I mean FULL) and gave it one last try. I don't know if it was the bathroom break or all of the poking and prodding, but when we tried again, baby had woken up and straightened out and we were able to get the measurements. The sonographer said that things looked good to her, but advised me that she was not qualified to read and report the actual results.

My oh my how things changed when baby woke up. The pictures above are from that time frame - but they don't do it justice - they were much clearer on the screen. Baby was waving his little arms around - doing little flips and turns. It was really quite amazing. I finally felt the peace that I'd been hoping for. This really is going to happen and it really is going to be okay.

You might notice I said "he". I realize I have no real idea - but it's a gut instinct, I think it's a boy. We'll see in about 7 weeks if I'm right.

From here on out, you might see me posting more. My days have been pretty quiet as of late - I go to work, I come home, I take a nap, I wake up, I make dinner - or don't; we've been eating pretty light around here, Me because nothing tastes good and it all makes me rather queasy and my husband because he's been getting home late and doesn't like to go to bed on a super heavy meal - thank goodness for small miracles, I think I'd be throwing up more if I actually had to cook. Then, I go to bed and do it all over again.

And being the typical pregnant lady - the majority of my thoughts revolve around being pregnant...and being that I wasn't ready to blog about it - I just didn't have much to say. But, as I progress out of this first trimester, get that second wind that every talks about, and leave the queasies behind....I'm sure I'll have more to say.

So...there you go, there are my two words for the day - and a few more than that. But honestly, would you expect any less from me? I rarely keep what I'm thinking to Two Little Words.