Real Tears

I had my first horrible mommy moment last night. Madelyn has broken out with baby acne and fairly bad (at least to my eyes) cradle cap. Jim and I gave her a bath before bed. I'm trying to get us on a routine: bath, book, bottle (while rocking), bed. All of the videos and books said that when baby has cradle cap, to wash their scalp and gently brush their head while you're washing.

So....that's what I did. And she seemed fine with it at the time. Madelyn loves her bath time - she really seems to enjoy being in the warm water. She only cries when I dress her. Or undress her for that matter. Miss Thing does not enjoy the dressing and undressing part of anything. She likes to be either fully clothed or naked as a jay bird.

After her bath, I dried her off and started to put her lotion on her - and she started to cry. Just the normal crying - nothing serious, just her telling me she's not enjoying the festivities. But...by the time I was getting to putting her onsie on her, she's in a full on melt down. The kind of crying that is silent, but with a wide open mouth and real, full on tears streaming down her face.

I couldn't even put her jammies on her - I barely got a onsie and a diaper on her. It took me a hour and a half to calm her down enough to swaddle her and attempt to take her to bed. She cried and cried while I held her, till she was hiccuping and doing the half asleep, half sob kind of crying.

I just don't know what we did wrong. If it was her poor little head, which seems rather red and raw (no more shampooing, that's for sure!) or if she was just overly tired and didn't like getting dressed.

But I do know that's the first time she's cried like that and it absolutely broke my heart!!!! Both Jim and I were just beside ourselves, we don't like it when our baby cries at all...and we certainly don't like those kinds of tears.

I sure hope those sorts of melt downs are to a minimum. I don't think Mommy can take those kinds of tears very often!

Love Letter #1

My dearest Madelyn....
I don't have a baby book for you. I meant to pick one up, but I kept forgetting and I haven't been back to the baby store since you were born.

So this is your baby book....your monthly love letter from your Mommy. You are one month old today. My littlest and dearest baby girl is one month old....and these are the things I love most about my little girl.

I love your cough. You have the cutest and tiniest cough and it just melts my heart. I keep trying to catch it on my camera video, but if I don't, I always want to remember the sound of your tinest cough.

I love your cheeks. You don't have cheeks as chubby as some...but the cheeks you do have I love to nibble. They are so precious to me.

I love your eyes. I think they're going to end up being blue like your daddy's.... and I love the way they cross when they're looking up at me.

I love the way you love your Daddy. You just light up when he has you. You are such a daddy's girl...you burp better for him, you quiet down quicker for him...he's your honey, no doubt about it. And you're his honey too...I knew he's love you, but I wasn't prepared for just how much. He just adores you and loves on you every chance he gets. Sometimes we actually fight over who gets to hold you and love on you. You're his "pumpkin", his "darlin", his "sweetie pie". He calls you beautiful and gorgeous all the time.

You've been growing and growing over the last month. You still don't sleep through the night - and you don't hold your head up yet, but you're starting to smile...and I love that - I love that you're starting to smile at me. That face lights up my heart.

You love to cuddle with us....you sleep the first part of the night (from midnight to 3ish) in your little co-sleeper. But when you wake up for that feeding and then we go back to bed, you don't settle until you're in the middle of Mommy and Daddy. Some people tell us to start training you to go back into your own bed....but Mommy isn't ready for that (and neither is Daddy - this morning I woke up to him holding you in the crook of his arm). I love that you want to sleep in the middle of us - that only lasts for a few years for most kids, and I'm okay with that. Some day, you're going to be just like me and not be as cuddly with your Mom and Dad. I'm okay with letting your cuddle time last as long as possible.

You LOVE your mobile! It fascinates you! It's over your changing table right now - because you're so rarely in your crib. When you do move to your crib, we'll move it. But for now, when we're changing clothes or diapers, it holds your attention like nothing else. It's the first "thing" besides Mommy and Daddy that you just adore.

You like your tummy time. You hold your head up for a minute or two at a time. And you love the sound of things that crinkle....that's what gets your attention most.

You've had a few outings. You and I went for our first Mommy/Maddy shopping trip. We went to Costco and we did just fine! You slept in the Baby Bjorn and I shopped. It worked perfectly.

You've been to Grandma Freda's twice to visit family and friends...and play with your big cousin Sidney. She's quite enamored of you - she tries to get you to play with her toys. She was a little shy at first, but not anymore. She's always trying to convince me she can hold you all by herself. It reminds me of me when my sister Jaime was born. I was about Sidney's age and I was always trying to take care of her on my own.

You've been to Grandpa Jim and Grandma Jody's. They're convinced that you don't cry. Dad and I know better....you do cry, but not much. Your biggest noise is grunting. You grunt all the time. I think it's because you're always trying to work out the gas you swallow when you eat. So...we just tell you to work it on out and grunt all you like.

You've been up to the cabin for the Clark/Smith family weekend. Actually, it was just for dinner. Mom and Dad weren't up for an entire weekend and as you'll learn, someone always comes home from that weekend sick, and we didn't want it to be our little honey. But you did go up and have dinner with everyone - and love on your Aunties and cousins.

Grandma Diane came to visit you. She spoiled you rotten! She let Momma sleep and took the night shift. She rocked you and rocked you...you loved it.

This next four weeks, we're going to work on getting into a routine so Momma and you can get out of the house a little bit more and see the world. There's so much of it to see and I can't wait to show it to you.

I love you my little Madelyn....I love you from your head to your toes. You're just beautiful to me.

More Pictures

Aside from all the pictures her talented daddy has been taking, my good friend Rebecca took some shots of her. Enjoy!

http://flickr.com/photos/rebeccajeanne/sets/72157613337184004/

Our Miracle

She's here....and our lives will never be the same.

People tell you that....that you aren't prepared for how much you will love your child - and they're right. I thought I wouldn't be overwhelmed with how much I love her. I thought my previous experiences had me prepared for how much she would mean to me. I was so very wrong.

I will never forget how it felt to bring her into this world. It was, without a doubt, the single most awe inspiring moment of my life. I've had some big moments in my life....saying my vows, being present for the death of my beloved grandmother are among the top two...until now.

This one tops it all - there is nothing like that instant where she moves from being safe and sound inside your body to breathing her first breath. I don't have words for it.

Which, is not to say her delivery was a piece of cake. Well, the delivery part was - honestly, I actually enjoyed the pushing. Of course, I had an epidural by then, just strong enough to take away the major pain, but not the feeling. Up until that epidural, however....all 26 hours up until that epidural... it wasn't so much fun. I'd thought perhaps I'd be able to do it naturally, but man alive was I not up for that.

My labor started around 3 am on Thursday, January 15th. It started as heavy menstral cramps. Strong enough to be painful, but not enough to make me think I was in actual labor. Pregnant women have cramps all the time. The difference, this time, was that they were coming in timable waves. Being the true trooper I was (that's a shameless grab at an 'atta girl), I started working about 6 am. I was uncomfortable, but able to concentrate. By 10 am, that wasn't the case. I was on conference calls and had myself muted because I was having to breath through the cramps. By noon, I couldn't concentrate and I called it a day, thinking these were Braxton Hicks and I'd be right back at it the next day. Her due date wasn't until the following Tuesday, after all. However, my girlfriends convinced me I should time them before I laid down - which I did. They were about 10 minutes apart.

For the rest of the afternoon, I tried to nap. My husband kept saying they were just BH contractions, I couldn't possible be in labor. But at this point, I knew I was in some sort of early labor. BH goes away when you change positions, drink water, lie down. These hadn't gone away.

By 4 pm, they were about 5 minutes apart and I called my OB. Her nurse suggested we hang out another hour or so before going to the hospital and wait for them to be 5 - 3 minutes apart.

The next several hours weren't fun. My contractions would go from 3 minutes apart to 5 minutes to 7 minutes to 2 minutes. They were all over the board - and strong enough to bring tears to my eyes. I wanted to go to the hospital! I was sure I must be dialated to a 3 or 4!

Jim thought we were going too early - and he was right in the end - but I didn't care. We got to the hospital, I was checked, and sure enough - I was a 1 :( They didn't send me home, however, but let me labor in the tub for an hour. In that time, I progressed to a 2. However, there were other signs things were moving along, so they monitored me for another hour. In that time I moved to a 3 and they decided to admit me for good around 11 pm.

The problem was, my contractions weren't in a steady pattern. They were "coupling", which meant they'd come one on top of the other, then several minutes, then a contraction, then several minutes, then several contractions. This isn't considered "productive" laboring, so I was dialating slowly - which meant no epidural.

For those that go naturally, I applaude you. However, I do not handle pain that well....and I was not a happy camper. I didn't yell, I didn't scream. I just cried - a LOT. I ended up having a dose of pain medication. I'd wanted to avoid any narcotics, but I was hurting so terribly, and the nurse assured me we were far enough away from delivery, it wouldn't adversly affect Maddy. That helped for an hour.

Finally, at 4:30, I had a series of contractions that moved me from a 5 to a 6 in ten minutes. Those hurt ALOT....but...they ended with the doctors agreeing I could have an epidural. Ahhhh, pain relief, you are my friend.

Once the epi was in place, I was a happy camper. Jim and I were able to relax - he slept for a few hours, I dozed. We were back up around 10 am. My doctor had stopped in about 7 to check on me. Things hadn't progressed much, so she broke my water. That didn't do much, so I was started on a pitocin drip. By noon, things were far enough along that it was time to push.

Pushing was awesome. It didn't hurt - it was a lot of pressure, but it didn't hurt. And it was exciting to me! It meant Madelyn would be in my arms shortly. I was warned I would push for hours, but after my "test push" at 12:15, I got down to business and pushed her out in record time - an hour and a half.

And life will never be the same.

Things have been interesting, to say the least. She had water on her lungs when she was born and gave us all a bit of a scare. She had a slight case of jaundice, which lead to some feeding issues that have been hugely emotional for me at times. Life just doesn't go exactly the way you planned it to. But with the help of my husband and an amazing pediatrician, we're on the right track.

There are other stories to tell...but little miss is giving me signs it's time to eat - so I must go. But not before I also say that bringing a child into the world with the man you love is amazing - and will make you fall in love with him all over again. Jim is the most amazing father. I don't know what I'd do without him. He has been right by my side, changing the late night diapers, making the bottles, and fussing so over his little girl - she's so in love with him and he's so in love with her - and I'm so in love with them both.

And these are the two little words I've waited most to say.... "she's here".

Count Down

Well...I have to say, sometimes it helps to just throw what you're thinking out there into the Blogosphere - especially when you forget that there are certain people that pay attention to your blog and can help make you feel a bit better about frustrations you are having.


It's good to know that sometimes someone is watching out for you and cares about you. :)


I haven't posted in some time, and the majority of that has been being nearly 9 months pregnant and so worn out at the end of the day that the last thing I want to do is sit down and write a blog.


But, we have been busy around here...we've attended two baby classes thus far and have Maddy's room all ready. We have a few last minute things that we (I mean I) want to get and have waiting...medicines my girlfriends or the nurses have recommended to have on hand, etc.


Thankfully, I have the next two weeks off and will have an opportunity to get those last minute things done. It's time to pack the hospital bag, wash all of Maddy's new born clothes, stock up on food for Georgie, install the car seat bases, and start baking casseroles! That's my big task for the Christmas and New Year's break - cook and freeze, cook and freeze.


But as for those two baby classes we've gone to - one was a weekend long Childbirth Prep class and one was a Newborn Care class.


Jim will be honestly, he didn't *really* want to go to either class, but especially not the class that was the WHOLE weekend....and he says it was a waste of time, but I think he says that just to get my goat, because at our last Doc's visit, he was asking good questions and understood what she was telling us. And I've noticed that he's started using some of the techniques we talked about to help make me feel better when I'm having a rough, "I don't feel good" moment. So...it was far from a waste of time. I don't think he knows how important that is to me - that he get what's going to be happening as much as I get it. Especially because he wants to be the only one in the room when the pushing starts.And ya'll know me, I'm of the "the more informed you are, the better off you are" variety....the unknown drives me insane, so it was good for me to go and be able to ask questions, not just read a book (and I do lots of that too!)


And speaking of actual childbirth preparations...the baby class scared me into thinking that perhaps it's best to do this completely naturally - no drugs at all. The instructor was great - but she was obviously very much focused on the side of natural child birth. She read us a lot of statistics about how mothers who use pain medications (i.e. epidurals or narcotics) end up with C-sections because of their inability to push. YIKES! That is my biggest fear - an epidural. I talked to my doctor and she agreed that it can happen, but that she was pretty laid back, she'd let things go a long time before she'd be forceful about suggesting a C section. So....I'm going to go into it open to whatever it takes, but attempting to go the distance without any drugs. We'll see how it goes.


To help myself through that - I've been listening to some hypo birth CDs....and I have to say, they're pretty relaxing. I don't know how relaxing they'll be when I'm having contractions, but it's worth a shot. Jim is really supportive, he wanted to do it this way all along....so we've been practicing our labor positions, talking a lot about what he can do to help, etc.


I'm still naturally nervous - but it'll all work out in the end, even if I'm begging for the drugs and I don't have time to get them, centuries of woman have done this, I can do it too :)


The other class we have been to is the Newborn Prep class. I was glad we went, I got to ask a lot of good questions and get some good suggestions - and I have to say, I was proud of my boy, he's an excellent diaper changer (even though he thinks he's not going to change any...riiiiiiight) and an even BETTER swaddler. He's really good at it! And he's also really good at the "tummy" hold they recommend to help sooth babies with a gassy tummy...better at it than me! So....I see some tummy time coming Daddy's way ;)


Other than that....we've just been trying to lay low and take care of the minute stuff I mentioned. We got our stroller - yea! Installed our infant car seat bases - yea! Jim's diligently washing all of Maddy's newborn items for me...just the final prep stuff. And life got a lot easier when we decided to lay low on Christmas this year. I didn't even decorate. That's sooooo unlike me, but I didn't want to have to put it all away in two weeks, I knew I wouldn't have the energy. I don't even think I'm going to get a Christmas card/letter out to anyone this year. Again....lame....but I just haven't had the energy.


Anyhoots....the countdown is on, I have 32 more days until my due date - not that she wouldn't come early or late....but realistically, since they won't let you go more than 2 weeks over due, I have at most 46 more days I'll be carrying this little girl around. Part of me is excited to not be pregnant anymore - but I have to be honest, outside of the constant back ache, lack of good sleep, and rib pain, I love having her there. I love it when she moves....especially if I start talking to her or Jimmy starts talking to her...that's pretty cool.



And now that she's the size of a honeydew melon, if she moves, I feel it - there ain't much room there!


Your baby, now as hefty as a honeydew melon at 5 1/4 pounds, doesn't have much room to maneuver in your belly. (Length: more than 18 inches, headto heel.)

Frustrated Spirit

Have you ever really wanted to succeed at something you were asked to do? It's something that's a huge opportunity for you and you want to do well. You want to prove that you're capable of more than you've been asked to do before.

But for reasons that have nothing to do with you, you aren't getting anywhere. There are outside influences that control the amount of time you have to devote to what you're doing. There are others who do not have time to help you achieve your goal...and you need the input and assistance of those others in order to be successful. There are some who didn't see the importance of what you were trying to accomplish. You've been saying all along this was important - but you couldn't get anyone else to see the urgency or the importance until too late. And so it's hurry up and wait, hurry up and wait.

And you start to get frustrated. You start to feel useless and ineffectual. You start to wonder what you're doing and why you care so very much...but you do, because that's your nature. You want to be successful, both in your own endeavors and in assisting people make something a reality, help build something of value. That is part of what defines you - being a part of helping build things of value.

And all the while you have this huge event in your life that's putting a very real time line on things - the birth of your daughter. It's given you a deadline that won't change. It's like a big brick wall that's going to stop all of your other efforts you've been working so very hard toward. You didn't mean it to be that way. You don't want to be one of those women who uses being a mother as an excuse to be less effective in other spheres of your life. But its there - and it's happening - and it scares you that somehow if you fail in this endeavor it will be your last chance to be a useful and trustworthy member of anything other than the Mommy sphere. And that's not what you want.

You realize that being a Mother is the most important thing you'll ever do, every kick she gives you reminds you of the amazing change you're about to go through and that now someone will rely on you for safety, for security, for love, warmth, for her very existence.
You also know that you have worked hard to get where you are - and you don't want that to be over.
You want to continue to be an equal contributor to the bottom line for your family.
You feel protective of the family you and your husband are building and you want to protect their financial future.
You're scared of the economy and what not being successful might mean.

And you just don't know what to do about it....you feel so lost and for the first time you understand what other women talk about when they talk about the fear of being a mother, not just the excitement.

The fear of what that means for the financial security of your life.
The fear of not being everything you know you can be.

And it's frustrating.
And scary.
And so very where I'm at right this very moment.

Turkey Tales...

Well...I'm back from my Turkey Day adventures.

I have no pictures to share, just yet, because I don't have my own camera and thus am relying on the generosity of friends and family to send me their pictures. :::hint hint:::

Thanksgiving was a wonderful day, spent with my Dad and Stepmom, brother Drew and his family, and sister Bree and her boyfriend Jonanan (I mean Jonathan....but my nephew used to call him Jonanan and it's stuck in my head). My parents' best friends Robert and Carol were also there for the fun. Nothing is as wonderful as good food and family laughter.

Friday wasn't as much fun, unfortunately. I have really bad luck with cars, it would seem. I was headed from my Dad's house (in the outlying town of Caldwell) to my Mom's house (in Boise). I stopped by my mom's branch to say hello, pick up the cake for the baby shower (that needed to be kept refrigerated), and have her remind me of the garage code. I was driving my parent's PT Whoser (another newphewism).

I got to my Mom's and the garage code didn't work. It turns out the battery in the garage key pad had run out. : So, I decided to head back to my Mom's work and pick up the key. It's about noon and Maddy is telling me she's hungry, so I pull through the McDonald's drive through for some Fries. Apparently that was a bad idea, because as I was pulling away from the drive through, someone parked to the right of me backed right into the car. My parent's car. That I was driving. Crap. Nothing makes you feel worse that having something like that happen to you. In your parent's car. Hello...feelings of teenagehood all over again. Even though it's not my fault and I know they won't be mad at me. 16 all over again. And not in a good way.

Dude comes out of his car apologizing all over himself - and as I'm prying the belly out of the car, he sees that I'm pregnant, the color drains from his face. I sort of felt sorry for him - but not really - he just hit me. In my parent's car! UGH! After a call or two to my parents (hello...I couldn't find the insurance and registration that was right in front of my face), we exchange information (the police do not come to accidents without injury on private property :( :( ). The PT Whooser and I limp away (it's going to be okay - it wasn't major damage, at least I don't think it was) and instead of going to my Mom's office, I go to my brother's house down the street.

My 6 year old nephew (of Jonanan and PT Whooser fame) is still in his kiddy boxers playing video games when I get there. I tease him for hanging out in his "underwears", but really, I'm jealous that it's nearly 1 and he's still in his underwear. Those days are gone for me, unfortunately ;) I hang out there until my brother and his family needed to leave and then head back to my Mom's. It's like 3:30 by this point and Mom, who gets off at 4:30 should be home at any time. I have my book and a car that's warm....and the cake, oh yeah, THE CAKE! I hadn't noticed it'd fallen off the back seat onto it's side. Luckily it survived the crash for the most part....but DANG!

Only...Mom doesn't get off at 4:30. Mom doesn't get off till 5:30, so I'm sitting there till nearly 6. And it's dark now and I can't read any more :::queue pitiful, poor me music right here::: When Mom shows up (I hadn't called her, no reason to panic her - there was nothing she could do) and we head into the house, she looks at the door to find it unlocked. The entire time. The front door was open. I could have come in before the accident. To a warm house. And food. And a couch to nap on.

::::banging pregnant head against wall::::::

Ahhhh...luck. It wasn't with me on Friday.

Saturday I has a wonderful day with my dear friend Martha and my family. Once again, people were too generous to Maddy and she truly now has too many clothes to wear. Seriously. No more clothes. Unless they're 9 months or bigger. They won't get worn. Promise.

Sunday came too quickly and I had to fly back home - which was both sad (I hate leaving my family) and happy (I missed my husband a LOT!!!!)

And now here it is Tuesday already.

And I'm having a baby in like 7 weeks. 7 WEEKS PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY COW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You can pass the brown paper bag now, I think I might hyperventilate.